Aisa kyu hota hain...
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Friday, November 14, 2008
I feared it always….I somehow knew it was coming….I knew it had struck me. I tried to run away…. I tried to ignore it…. I tried to overcome it…. But to no avail. It’s the start of disintegration. I am sure it’s not emotional….but it probably is mental disintegration. But that is too harsh a word. Is it lack of effort from my side or consistent lapse of concentration? I know there is nothing wrong in it as it happens to mortals. But probably I have fallen prey to it a bit early.
Realization happened when I blew up my first paper, then second and then third and then today fourth. I tried of foolishly convincing myself that first time it was coincidence, second time it was lack of effort, third time it was lack of luck but I fell short of coming up with an explanation after it happened for the fourth time. I am sure God helps those who themselves. And I am trying to help myself. But then, I am weak, I am broken, I am fragile. There isn’t much left within me to fall back upon. Each time I have to fall back upon the strength given to me by my family, my God and my friends. But then, I contradict my own expectations – God helps those who help themselves.
I have no option. I have no way. I have no clarity. As four have gone, other six will also pass by. Things might change. But then isn’t this the case each time. It has been a long time since I achieved something substantial for me and my well wishers. There is a need to reinvent myself. But then that is being philosophical. Reinventing oneself should come naturally. It can’t be forced. So I have to keep trying and trying till I prove these thoughts wrong, till I prove what I am worth of, till I prove that I have reason to feel proud again, till I prove God helps those who help themselves.
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2 comments:
I agree with you Saurabh. My situation is perhaps worse. But is life always about attaining something substantial or big enough so that it can be recognized? Small small things if attained with satisfaction will definitely help to go to that BIG thing.
And dont worry you are made for those big things :)
sometimes this state comes when u know thr is going to be something big dat is going to happen. and in ur case i get the same feel. its a dirty feeling i know... its sick.
but u know wat? u r gud. and thr r ppl who will vouch that vehemently. but honestly that shud ideally make no diff to you. u know u r gud. or rather u SHUD know that u r gud.coz god helps those who helps themselves. and how will u know u r gud? well.. u outta gear up. n gear up with all ur might...
ab tu bolega yeich toh nahi hota... but i think ye nahi ho raha coz u r gearing up for something u dont want dil se... think of something u really want... not some stupid exam n all-plz... and then go get it :D bolna asaan hota hai, hai na?
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